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Having a Bad Day?
In a hospital's Intensive
Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This
puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery
as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the
cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously
waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses,
prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the
part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still
Having a Bad Day??
The average cost of rehabilitating
a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you
are having a Bad Day???
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost
in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to
that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're
having a Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders
were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn,
Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and
escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day?????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it
was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
(I have no verification that any of the above is true)
One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her
husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders
and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then,
he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his
hand over her stomach, and then down the other side
to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His
hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her
left thigh, stopped
and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman
was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly
and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He
whispered back, "I found the remote."
World's Thinnest Books:
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacque s Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: A Travel Guide
A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson
Bridge Travel
by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
|
| J.R. hangin' at the tavern |
TOP 17 COUNTRY SONGS for 2006:
17. I Hate Every Bone in her Body but Mine.
16. It's Hard To Kiss
The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long.
15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two
On You.
14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12.
I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well.
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10.
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8.
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out
Of Prison By Now
6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
5. She Got The Ring And I Got
The Finger.
4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.
2.
She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number #1 country song is.
1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If
you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You
better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten
up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's
why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8.
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me
about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours
looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told
you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world,
and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17.
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL
SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me
ESP.
"Put your sweater on; I'm freezing!
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother
taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught
me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about
JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down
the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from
you I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock
every night... whether you're here or not."
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The
husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she
replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband--Stiff At Last.'"
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table Husband gets up
in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he
was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early,
doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself,
that he starts calling
his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a
party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts
right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
WHY?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why
doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't
Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why
do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from
apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why
is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed
light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for
doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else
over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How
come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every
four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's
you.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Submitted to me by our good tavern friend, Bo:
George Carlin's Views on Aging:
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we
like to get old is
when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about
aging that you think in
fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a
half. You're four and a half, going
on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next
number, or even
a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest
day of your life . . . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you
turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun
now, you're Just a
sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa!
Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you
REACH 50 . .. and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!!
You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've
built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s
and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you
TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the
90s, you start going backwards; "I Was
JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little
kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1.
Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you
pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's
workshop." And the devil's name
is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The
tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is
with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while
you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county;
to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND
ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath
away.
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people -- who cares?
But do share this with someone. We all need
to live life to its fullest
each day.
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A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and
rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth
time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The
man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very
seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's
impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of
how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really
good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that
I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when
they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to
make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?" |
| |
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.
- Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
- If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
- You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said, "No, I hate myself now."
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Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her,
"There's one thing I want
you to know. There's a box under my bed, and I don't want you to look in it until I die."
Hillary agreed to this but,
over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it.
She found three beer cans and 1.5
million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the
times I've cheated on you."
Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years, and you being a politician,
and traveling and all."
She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?"
Bill replied, "That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in." |
| |
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
The man tried again to plead his case. "But officer, I just wanted to say . . ."
"And I said to keep quiet!" The officer said, "You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford
"My
fellow astronauts..."
--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
"Capital
punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."
--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his
support of the death penalty.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French
President
"I stand by all the misstatements."
--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal
gaffes
"Gerald Ford was a Communist"
--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry,
Washington D.C.
"We found the term 'killing' too broad."
--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing'
was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
"This is a great
day for France!"
--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"This is the worst disaster
in California since I was elected."
--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
"It's not listed
in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."
--James Baker,
televangelist.
"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies
are seated."
--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
"The exports include thumbscrews
and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."
--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the
export of various products abroad.
"What he does on his own time is up to him."
--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar
County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.
"Facts are stupid things."
--Ronald
Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention. |
| |
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the
street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to drink. "
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman
put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.
The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The waiter said, "OK then, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.
He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed. "
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a Chihuahua??"
|
A man and his alligator walk into a bar and the man asks, "Does this bar serve lawyers?"
"Of
course we do," replied the bartender.
"Great," said the man, "I'd like a beer... and give me a lawyer for my gator." |
| |
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
I suffer from two phobias:
1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and
2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia,
the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DO RE MI DRINK
by Homer J. Simpson
DO... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY...
the guy that sells me beer...
ME... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR... a long way to get beer...
SO... I'll have
another beer...
LA... I'll have another beer...
TEA... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...
(Looks into an empty glass) D'OH!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come
in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while
and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night".
"We're having dinner with her parents,
and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the
time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits
down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.
He begins
the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.
The girl leans
over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never
told me that your father was a pharmacist." |
| |
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender gives him a beer and a bowl of nuts. The guy starts drinking
his beer and munches on a few nuts when suddenly he hears a soft voice, "Hey that's a nice tie."
The guy looks around and sees no one except the bartender at the other end of the bar. The guy takes another sip of his
beer and munches a few more nuts when again he hears the soft voice, "Man you are looking good, have you lost weight?"
The guy looks around, dazed and confused, and only sees the bartender down at the other end of the bar. He has another
sip of his beer, a few more nuts, and the same thing happens again, the soft voice, "Wow, where do you buy your clothes? I
simply love your jacket."
The guy calls the bartender down. "Do you hear voices?" the guy asks nervously.
"Voices, sir?" the bartender asks thinking he's got a weirdo sitting at the bar.
"Yeah, watch this," says the guy. He sips his beer and munches a handful of nuts. Sure enough there's the soft voice. "Man
are you smart or what."
"Oh, that," says the bartender, "it's the nuts."
"The nuts?" asks the guy.
"Yes" says the bartender, "they're complimentary."
|
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her
birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said,
"I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it -
she'll probably be thrilled."
So the that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did
you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped
up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!" |
| |
Three guys from Tampa died and went to hell.
Satan went to check on them and saw
that they had their shirts off and didn't mind the heat, so he turned up the heat.
He went to check on them again
and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn't mind the heat.
Satan went and turned the temperature
down to minus twenty.
Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering.
He went
up to them and asked why they were cheering.
One of them yelled out "Hell
froze over, the Devil Rays must
have won the World Series!"
|
There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one
night his wife decides to teach him a lesson, so she dresses up like Satan and decides to hide in the dark and scare him when
he gets home.
So the man comes home and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says,
''You don't scare me I've been married to your sister for 20 years!''' |
| |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of
his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached,
the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his
regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender,
"It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
|
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire says,"I'd like a pint of blood."
The second vampire says,"I'd like a pint of blood, too."
Then the third vampire says,"I'd like a pint a plasma."
Then the bartender says,"OK, so let me get this straight, you want two bloods and a blood light?" |
| |
A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender
what it's for.
The bartender replies, "Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win
all the money in the jar."
The man asks, "What are the tasks?"
"First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer
and knock him out with one hit.
Then, well, there's a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.
Finally,
the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play." said the bartender.
"Damn."
says the man.
Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, "I'm in."
He
walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he's out cold.
The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks
out back.
All you hear is the dog howling.
Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks,
"Now where's that lady with the blunt tooth."
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The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking
female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman
says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and
cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine." |
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An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched
from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.
The cowboy then
moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine.
He dropped
the horse's tail,
stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister,"
said the sheriff.
"Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped
lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lick'en 'em."
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his
hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.
Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him
this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very
hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove
it."
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries
on a conversation.
"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", said
the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men's room?"
The
bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return.
Fearing
the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.
The guy is spread-eagled
up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
"Oh my god!" said the
bartender.
"Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax." |
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A guy walks in to a bar,sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender gives him
his drink.
The guy says to the bartender,
"I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my ear!"
The bartender says,
"All right."
The guy takes out his false teeth and bites his ear. The bartender pays him his $50.
The guy orders
another drink. The bartender returns with his
drink and sets it on the bar.
The guy says to the bartender,
"I,ll
bet you $50 that I can lick my eye!"
The bartender smiles and says, "I
know you can't do that."
The guy takes
out his false eye,
licks his eye and puts it back in.
The bartender pays the guy $50 and walks away mad.
The
guy gets up and mingles for a while. Twenty minutes later the guy sits back down at the bar and orders another drink. The
bartender comes back with his drink.
The guy says to him "How would you like a chance to win your $100
dollars back?"
The bartender looks at him and
says, "All right what are you going to do this time?"
The guy says, "You
take that beer
mug and slide it all the way down the bar,and I,ll pee in it and won't miss a single drop.
The bartender
accepts and slides the mug down the bar.
The guy starts pissing and pisses all over the bar, on the cups ,the whiskey,just
everywhere.
The bartender says [with a smile],
"You owe me a hundred dollars"!
The guy pays him and walks
away.
Twenty minutes later the guy returns to the bar with a smile,
and orders another drink.
The bartender
brings him his drink and says,"Why are you so happy you just lost a hundred dollars?"
The guy says, "Well, you see
those 3 guys over there? I bet them $200 a piece that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get mad!"
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Bob calls in to his job:
"Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a
headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I'm not coming into work today."
The boss says:
"You know Bob I really
need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go
to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Bob calls:
"Boss, I did what you said and I feel great! I'll be at
work soon. By the way, you got nice house." |
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A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug
and says "You know... we have a drink named after you."
To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"
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1.) You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.) You have to hold onto the lawn to keep
from falling off the earth.
3.) Job interfering with you're drinking.
4.) Your doctor finds traces of blood
in your alcohol stream.
5.) Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6.) The back of your head
keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7.) Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8.) 24
hours in a day. 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
9.) Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10.)
You can focus better with one eye closed.
11.) The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12.)
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
13.) Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
14.)
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
15.) At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
16.) Your
idea of cutting back is less salt.
17.) The whole bar says 'Hi' when you walk in.
18.) You think the Four Basic
Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women
19.) Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat
more and more attractive.
20.) Roseanne looks good.
21.) Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of
glass.
22.) That stupid pink elephant followed me home again.
23.) Senator's Kennedy and Packwood shake their
heads when they walk past you.
24.) "I'm as jober as a sudge."
25.) The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent
watering. |
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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of beer, so he produced
an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of beer, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water
writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the beer. It writhed painfully, and quickly
sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised
his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink beer and you won't get worms."
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Your Church Might Be A Redneck Church If:
- People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the
two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
- The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering," then five guys
and two women stand up.
- Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.
- A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been
in a hole it couldn't get out of."
- With a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church
directory.
- Baptism is referred to as
"branding."
- People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift
something too heavy. |
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000
bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could
squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky
voice "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are
you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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1. Only in America...... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only
in America...... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...... do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.
4. Only in America...... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5.
Only in America...... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only
in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7.
Only in America...... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America...... do they have drive-up
ATM machines with Braille lettering. |
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A man took a trip out west after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated
to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' patoots."
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."
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Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day.
They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish. That's three wishes total,"
said
the genie.
The Canadian said, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land
to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile
for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans
can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
George W. Bush, said, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well,
it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually
impenetrable."
George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water." |
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Two wiseguys go into a country pub, they call the landlord over and ask him to settle an argument. "Are there
two pints in a quart, or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the landlord.
They moved along the bar to where the barmaid was and she asked for their order. "Two pints please Miss, and they are on
the house."
When the barmaid appeared to doubt her boss would dispense free beer, one of the lads called out to the publican at the
other end of the bar: "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," called the landlord, "Two pints."
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The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmas
season.
This
isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.
There
was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. |
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If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he STILL wrong?
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Beer Warning Labels
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of
alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to
believe that ex-lovers arer eally dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause
of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may
lead you to believe you're invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing
WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think you can out drive Mario Andretti.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a hit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of
alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING:
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas
party.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties)
anyway.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary
(whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burn on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer,
and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".
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Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?
$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million
in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night
while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr
more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up
for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement
money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round
of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income
into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
$
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make
about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While
the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This
year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't
it? However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has
today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins. |
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A skeleton walks into a bar one night and hops on a stool. The bartender asks "What'll ya have?" The skeleton
says "get me Bud Lite." So the bartender gets him his beer and says "anything else?" The skeleton says "Yeah ... a mop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they talk of their adventures on the sea. The sailor notes that the pirate
has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The sailor asks "So, mate, how did ye end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling
me out, a shark bit me leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Well...," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of
the enemy cut me hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did ye get the eyepatch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.
"Ye lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the new hook."
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An Irishman, Englishman and Scottsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands
them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scottsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya
bastard! Spit it out!"
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Two men walk into a bar, and proceed to buy everyone drinks. Eventually, the barman asks them what the celebration
is.
They boast that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and that it had only taken them two months!
"Two months!" cries the barman, "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long to finish a jigsaw!"
"Oh yeah?" says one guy, "Well, the box said 2 to 4 YEARS!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Squirrels Everywhere prefered Budweisser
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